M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
