from now on my penis is your penis
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
this will be a night to untag.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
