I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
so much tequila, so little girl.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
