I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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