I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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