are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
