im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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