also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
