I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize
