I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
