just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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