We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
