it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
