Redeem this text for a blowjob
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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