just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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