i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Randomize
