Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
