I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
