woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
