That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
