in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
