Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
