She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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