Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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