Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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