Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
