I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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