I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
