i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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