You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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