I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
