He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Randomize
