Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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