I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
your like the ambassador to my penis.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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