nut hugger
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The uberlube is also flammable
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
