A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize