Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
