turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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