I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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