I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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