Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
