so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
