The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize