My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
