hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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