Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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