i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
accomplished twins. life is a go
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
