On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm eating all of the evidence.
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Randomize
