I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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