sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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