Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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