There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
