he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
