we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
