How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
