For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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